


one day at a time

by stiley



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, I'm so so sorry, M/M, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 04:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5897860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stiley/pseuds/stiley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’ll learn to live without him,” The words go through one ear and out the other as he shakes, his nails digging deep into his palm, “Even though the pain never really goes away.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	one day at a time

Jean watches the large pile of bones burn on the pyre and his throat tightens, not just because of the smoke but because of the tears he’s trying so hard to hold back. He can’t remember. Marco’s body is in there somewhere, his bones are burning, turning into ash and he can’t _remember_ which ones are Marco’s.

There’s a part of him, deep inside thinking, _this is my fault,_ and, _if I was there this wouldn’t have happened,_ even though he had no way of knowing. Marco was there of his own volition. Jean didn’t feed him to the titan, no matter how much it feels like he did.

The fire crackles and the stench of burning flesh is too much but he doesn’t look away, couldn't look away even if he tried. It would feel _wrong_ not to spend every last second with Marco. He’s regretting not spending more time with him, not relishing every second they had together.

“You alright?”

It’s the first time Eren’s spoken to him in a while, first time without hatred spewing out of his mouth like the flames they stand in front of, and it makes something inside Jean ache. He wants to feel something, anger, sadness, fear, but instead he feels numb.

Without Marco, he has nothing.

Eren doesn’t look him in the eye when he grasps Jean’s hand in his, holding it tight and he doesn’t say a word when Jean grips it hard, enough to make both of their hands turn pale.

 “You’ll learn to live without him,” The words go through one ear and out the other as Jean shakes, his nails digging deep into his palm, “Even though the pain never really goes away.”

If Jean breaks down and cries, Eren doesn’t say a word.

Jean doesn’t sleep that night, or the night after that, or the next. He’s aching by the time they’re standing during the Scouting Legion ceremony. When he presses his fist tightly against his chest, he almost imagines a second heartbeat thumping against his fist.

He bites his tongue when they skip over where Marco’s name could have been, and he breathes in a shaky breath. He wants nothing more than to head back to the barracks and sleep for days but there’s no time to grieve.  

He’s never lost anyone before; at least, not anyone that mattered. He didn’t become close to the other trainees because you never knew when you’d find their corpse somewhere, or be one yourself, but Marco… Everyone was friends with Marco. It was too hard not to be friends with Marco.

And somewhere along the line, just being friends became something _more._ Friends didn’t share sloppy kisses late at night and leave trails of bruises along hips. Friends didn’t do anything like that. They were much, much more.

By the time the ceremony is done he’s shaking.

There’s so much regret overflowing inside of him; there’s so much he had yet to say and he never had a chance. _I never got to tell him I loved him._


End file.
